Don't Ask
by IronicVeghead
Summary: A normal evening gets a bit hectic when Sportsmaster decides that he needs to have a little chat with Artemis's boyfriend Wally. Thus ensues the most ridiculous oneshot I have ever written. Spitfire.


**Hey everyone! I actually found the first part of this little oneshot in a cobwebed doc in the back of my computer. I blew the dust off and thought "Hey, I could finish this!" Which worked, because I actually had no idea where I was going with it in the first place. **

**Even after writing it, I'm still not sure it completely has a plot. But I think it's kind of fun, so I'll put it up for you guys to snack on. **

* * *

Wally was grinning like an idiot on his way back to the zeta tubes. The soda drying on his skin was starting to itch but it didn't matter. Because he'd just had the most wonderful afternoon of movies, food fights, and lots of close contact with his beautiful girlfriend.

But he probably did stick out like a sore thumb with the conglomeration of candy dotting his clothes. Even though he'd tell himself later that it was only bad luck that Sportsmaster was around the corner.

The redhead was attempting to whistle (because it just felt like a moment to whistle) when a large mass shoved him to the side, holding his face roughly against the damp brick of a grimy building. He gave an attempt to fight back, but withheld his powers because he wasn't in uniform. If he'd known that his identity was already compromised he would have fought harder. But common sense told him that it was just a mugging and he could slip away soon enough.

Sportsmaster's gruff laugh alerted Wally to the intensity of the situation, however, and his head was pulled back and slammed into the wall before he could pull out any speed. Bright pain filled his head before a black fog clouded his thoughts and consciousness left.

* * *

Wally awoke to the sound of a swinging lightbulb; groaning not because of the pain, but because of the sheer familiarity of the situation. His eyes opened and focused on the figure sitting across from him, testing the ropes tying his hands to the arms of the chair. The redhead wondered briefly if he'd gotten a concussion, his head was pounding like a jackhammer.

"Seriously, Lawrence?" He rolled his eyes, "Could you get more cliche with this setting?" The redhead pointed with his head to the concrete walls and floor of the small room, the air stiff and damp from the water stagnated in puddles at their feet.

"Watch what you call me, boy," Sportsmaster growled, "And don't bother trying to use your powers to get out of those ropes."

Wally wisely decided not to tell him that it wouldn't matter anyway because he couldn't vibrate through objects; instead focusing on the annoyance he'd seemed to cause in the man, "But Lawrence, man, you brought me here as a civilian. I'm only being fair."

"Well too bad," He spat, "I don't play fair."

The speedster waited for the villain to say more, but Sportsmaster stayed silent. Merely staring, his eyes narrowed. Wally gave him an exaggerated stink eye, before sighing in impatience, "What am I here for anyway?"

"You're here to chat," Sportsmaster spoke gruffly, "We have some _things_ to go over."

"Oooooohhhhh My Goooood," Wally groaned, throwing his head back dramatically, "No thank you, Lawrence. I already got this talk from Green Arrow." He drew his eyebrows down into a grand frown, "_Don't you hurt Artemis or I'll make you rue the day you were born," _He spoke with a deep voice.

The speedster was mildly pleased with the twang of hurt that flashed over Sportsmasters eyes.

But the villain started talking anyway.

"This is my baby girl you are getting involved with, I don't think you understand the repercussions that are at stake for you," He growled.

"Artemis doesn't need or want you to take care of things for her," Wally explained snarkily, "She can handle everything without you, and everything she can't," The redhead beamed, "Well that's what she's got _me_ for,"

The man looked as though he was considering hitting the speedster once more before he closed his eyes in concentration, calming himself.

"You are not going to build my anger in order to avoid this," He glared, crossing his arms and puffing his chest out indignantly.

Wally let out a deep sigh and gave a dramatic show of deflating, his shoulders wilting and his head drooping onto his chest, "Whatever Lawrence, can we just hurry this up though? I'm kinda hungry," He suddenly popped his head up, "I bet you've got some snacks packed away in those pockets..." He mused.

"Not until I am done making sure you understand the amount of respect you must have for Artemis if you are to continue this _debacle_ of a relationship,"

Wally lowered his head as the villain continued talking, grumbling to himself, "Our relationship is not a _debacle_. We are very happy together _thankyouverymuch_,"

"What did you say ginger?" Sportsmaster leaned forward, "Need I repeat myself?"

"No!" Wally yelped, "No...please Lawrence, by all means continue," He pleaded, his eyes wide.

The blonde man gave a lengthy pause before beginning to speak once more, "As you know, my Artemis is a beauty that will lure many hearts," He began pacing, his hands snaking behind his back to hold clasped together imposingly. "As it is, I hope you to be one of the many weeping, broken hearted men she will leave behind in her lifetime. She will come to realize eventually that no man is good enough for her,"

The speedster rolled his eyes and began mouthing along with exaggerated facial expressions.

"But until that time comes when she brutally kicks you out of her life, you are to treat her like the goddess she is," Sportsmaster's tone was commanding and his steps grew more brisk. His mind throwing itself into the lecture.

Wally really wished he had a tabletop to slam his head onto.

* * *

Artemis was cleaning the dishes in the sink as quietly as she could with a tune bubbling at her lips. Her mother was fast asleep and if she woke up and found her cleaning the dishes from the dinner she didn't eat, she would curse and send her to bed without a second thought.

She wasn't surprised from the vibration in her pocket, signaling a text. Wally usually texted her after he got home from one of their dates. Complaints about how his bed wasn't as comfortable as her. That the shirt he'd made her borrow for a week had started to lose her scent. It was endless. Cheesy, endless, and she loved every second of it.

So when the message wasn't from Wally, but from his mother, she became concerned.

-Is Wally with you, Artemis? He hasn't come home and he's not answering his phone.-

The blonde scarcely had the mind to turn the sink off before dashing to her room for uniform. After half hazardly strapping her quiver to her back she scribbled out a note for her mother and slid out the window. He had to be in Gotham somewhere.

She sent a quick text to Robin, asking for Wally's tracker location. Artemis knew he would be out looking soon too. Either because Mary West sent him a message too, or because he understood why she was asking. But as long as she was looking, she felt a bit better. The knot in her stomach being held at bay be sheer mental determination that Wally was fine.

A buzz told her that Robin had replied. Artemis checked the message as she ran, jumping across the rooftops to reach the shadiest parts of Gotham (which, incidentally, were not far from her home). It was a simple text. A general location and an -On my way.-

Artemis wasn't surprised. But he wasn't going to beat her there.

And there was no way in hell she was waiting for backup.

* * *

"And furthermore," Sportsmaster growled, "You have to take her on at least five dates before you can kiss her."

"Ugggghhh, Lawrence. Seriously," Wally had let his head fall back onto the backrest after the first five minutes of the lecture, continuing to complain to the ceiling throughout the speech, "You're late anyway, I've already kissed her," He smirked.

CRACK.

Wally grit his teeth and rolled his neck from the punch, hoping that his cheek wouldn't swell. His anger rising at the situation, and his head suddenly feeling a bit clearer. He wondered why he hadn't noticed it was so foggy, he hoped it would continue to clear up.

"You had no right to do that," The redhead snarled, glaring at the man before him.

"You treat my daughter like a toy," Sportsmaster accused.

"You never even treated her like a daughter!" Wally spat back, his cheeks growing red from rage. He held his head steady when the villain's fist came crashing against his cheek again, taking the blow without a sound. Wally had listened to enough from this man claiming false love for his daughter. He heard enough about Sportsmaster's parenting skills every time he woke Artemis from a nightmare.

"I prepared her," The blond defended.

"Sure, but you never raised her. You weren't her father; you were her _coach_. And you can threaten me all you want, but I would never treat her as poorly as you did. I care about Artemis, and that's miles ahead of any affection you ever had."

Wally could see the blind rage in the man's eyes as he stalked toward him, his hand raised to catch the speedsters throat in his grasp.

The redhead flinched when an arrow suddenly flew past the two of them, Sportsmaster barely dodging in time to miss it.

The projectile imbedded itself into the wall behind the villain and Wally grinned, his heart swelling as his eyes took in the dark green fletchings even through the dim lights, his raising endorphins hiding the growing cloud of incoherence that shrouded his mind once more.

"Leave him alone, _Dad_," Artemis hissed from where Wally assumed the door was. He couldn't turn his head far enough to see her and stayed content with keeping his eyes locked on Sportsmaster's every move.

"We were just having a chat, _baby girl_," Sportsmaster scowled, having easily righted himself from his misstep to dodge the arrow.

"Artemiiiiiiiis!" Wally whined, twisting his head back as far as he could to pout at her, "Lawrence was lecturing me on how to be a good boyfriend,"

The archer looked momentarily lost before glaring at her father once more, "Did you _drug_ him?"

"Only a little," The villain shrugged pointedly toward a needle that was inserted into Wally's vein, the tube connected to a bag strapped to the back of the chair.

"Dad!" Artemis snarled, her muscles tensing as her rage built. The speedster looked down at the needle with confusion, wondering how come he hadn't felt it there before.

"_Psssst,"_ Wally hissed, his eyes darting between the two Crocks as though to make sure Sportsmaster couldn't hear him, _"Pssssssssssssst, Arty,"_

"…"

"_Aaaarrtt-_"

"What?" Artemis retorted. Her boyfriend frowned for a moment at her tone before regaining purpose.

"You're pretty when you're angry," He told her, a blush prominent on his cheeks.

Sportsmaster was so taken back by the redhead's strange proclamation that Artemis had time to shoot a tranquilizer at him. The blonde herself being completely used to Wally's heartfelt and random declarations.

Wally laughed at her accomplishment before ducking his head down with a groan, "Arty I feel worse," He complained with a child's tone of voice.

"That's because this is probably one of Jade's concoctions," Artemis explained with a huff as she slipped the needle out and slapped a bandage on his freckled arm, efficiently slicing the ropes holding his hands to the chair. Wally slumped forward and the archer caught him in her arms, frowning at the sight of blood from a cut on his scalp, "It's going to make you much loopier before it wears off,"

"I gave Lawrence a talking-to," Wally grumbled into the crook of her neck as the blonde attempted to stand them up.

"And how'd that go, Stud?" Artemis smirked, tilting her head when she heard what she recognized as Robin's foosteps down the hallway.

"He hit me," The redhead pouted, turning his face up towards his girlfriend's, "Will you kiss it better?"

Artemis withheld a laugh at his childishness, "Maybe," She teased.

"I didn't tell you where he hit meeee," Wally sung, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, his eyes dancing over her frame.

Artemis was about to speak again when Robin abruptly burst into the room, "Hey! You got him!" The bat grinned, walking up to clap his best friend on the shoulder.

The speedster looked between his friends for a moment with narrowed eyes, "We are _not_ having a threesome,"

"WHAT?" Robin blanched, a look of disgust distorting his features as he pulled his hand away. Artemis couldn't hold her laughter in any longer and let a smile stretch across her face.

"Only Arty gets to kiss my boo-boo," Wally stated with his chin raised, trying to look as dignified as he could whilst leaning awkwardly against the archer for support, "You should return Lawrence to his cell in Belle Reve,"

The redhead tried to take a step forward but ended up falling magnificently into a heap on the floor. Artemis made no attempt to catch him, her hands occupied by trying to smother the laughter in her throat.

"Boo-boo?" Robin turned skeptically to the blonde, "_Lawrence?_"

The mix of Artemis shaking her head and the snores suddenly rising from the heap on the floor told the bird his answer.

_Don't Ask._

* * *

**Thus ends probably the most ridiulous little oneshot I have ever written. **

**Ever. **

**Thank you for reading, I hope you got a laugh or two out of it!**

**_Love_, Veg**


End file.
